19 years ago today, I married this tall hunk of burning love. I had a white wooden lacy stool made so that I could climb up to kiss him. We had a big wedding because for me it felt like somehow in spite of everything I lived through this called for a party. I didn’t think I would get married, in fact I was just about ready to sign up for the Peace Corps when I met Greg.
I spent many years in Therapy focusing on my issues and problems. I realize now how necessary it was for me to deeply understand my issues. I went to therapy every two weeks faithfully in my 20’s and 30’s. I had a ton of childhood trauma, mental illness, gun violence, religion and so much more. What I know is that we can’t measure pain. There are so many of us that suffer and after living and traveling all over the world I have gained a better understanding that suffering is universal. There is not way to avoid it and yes there is always someone that has it worse than you. However this does not take away or discount your pain.
As we age and move into new decades and seasons in our lives we experience a new wave of grief about our past. Often we are surprised by this because when you have done so much work you think to yourself, I did the work why do I still feel sad? Grief and loss and pain are not linear, they don’t run in a straight line. Often times we need to go back and grief our losses from the adult age we are now especially when one suffers childhood trauma. We have to constantly retrain our brains that missed out on so many development stages
Recently I have been helping clients focus on a second narrative and I love this work. Every single last one of us knows what our issues are. We know if we eat too much, or we are too controlling or we have difficultly with relationships. We know this. Often times in the middle of thinking about what is wrong with us we forget to focus on our strengths. To get help for something is a sign of resilience. To talk about deep issues and question and forgive ourselves and others. this stirring up of emotions is not for people who are not resilient because that stuff takes so much work and bravery. To dive into stuff that is so painful and figure it out, reprogram it and realize that you are not what happened to you is like climbing an enormous mountain. The thing is when we do this the air seems to get clearer. We are practicing good self care. There are many people that go through trauma or grief or loss and they don’t make it. For what ever reason the pain is too great and they self destruct. We see this every day and when you have been there you know this feeling.
Focusing on your strengths that you gained from the darkest thing you traveled with helps create a second narrative of your life story. I often start by having my clients name some of their best qualities. It’s very hard for them to do. We go through and talk about what it would look like if we created a new story line that showed all the resiliencies, skills and strengths they gained from traveling thought these dark spaces and times in their lives. I have found over and over again that this exercise helps so much with healing. Instead of focusing on what your problems are when you shift that and also see the story line of the strengths you gained it is so helpful to hold these two truths in one hand. So the next time you start getting down on yourself for all the things you are not. That negative voice in your head that can often be the loudest stop yourself and think about the strengths you gained from these dark times. This simple little shift in your thinking can help you heal the narrative of you being in the middle of the story of suffering. It’s so much easier said then done. If you find yourself stuck in a place of sadness and depression get help, call a counselor. If you are having dark thought please call the National Suicide Hotline and reach out to somebody. You are not alone. If you find yourself wanting to explore your second narrative I would love to offer you a 20 min free consult to discuss your unique story. https://mudtolotuspodcast.com/coaching/ Every day I am working with clients and together we are finding that second narrative and focusing on their resilience together. One thing I know is true is so often you can’t have one without the other. What resilience and strengths have you gained from the darkest day of your life? Write them down, make a list, book an appointment. Self care.
Focus on Your Strengths,
You are worth it!
Love,
Angela True
www.angelatruewriter.com
Mothers Day, 25 years as a Motherless Daughter
This evening I went into the beauty supply house to get shampoo. My boys needed hair gel. I started talking about my middle school boys and the women and the counter said,”I had a twelve year old son, but he passed away”.
To some this would be an awkward moment but to people who have lost someone it’s more than that.
“What happened?” I ask.
He was playing with the gun in the locked cabinet and he shot himself. My husband found him.”.
“I am so sorry, you know they say that one can’t measure pain but I think you can in your case. There has to be nothing worse in the entire universe then losing your child.” I am so sorry. I can feel my eyes well up.
“I had a 10 year old daughter at the time so I had to go on”. she said.
“The PTSD and trauma this has caused all of you has got to be so difficult. Tell me about how you made it out? What did you do? Are you and your husband still together? How do you survive and crawl out when you get this kind of news?” I ask.
“For a long time I didn’t come out of my house because I was that Mom that lost her son. I couldn’t handle the grief. It was a dark time. However I had to get up, and keep going I had a daughter who needed me.
My husband and I are still together. The last thing my daughter needed was to lose a brother and to lose her parents.
I want to show you something. My husband just starting painting again. Its been 7 years.
She hands me her phone and shows me photos of her husbands paintings. “These are so beautiful, I wonder if he would of made something so beautiful if he hadn’t seen such darkness?” I ask.
No I don’t think so, she says.
I hope you have a show or do something with those paintings in your sons honor. You are a beautiful resilient person. Your story of survival will help so many. Do you write?” I ask.
I have journals and journals but I put them down.”
“I never thought I would be a writer but I had a story to tell like you but different. A story of losing my father to gun violence. My mother shortly after. My story ended up not being about what I lost but more about what I found. How I dug myself out of the darkest days of my life.
I hope you write, because imagine the lives of the mothers you will touch that have gone through something similar and have no road map. Your story matters.” I say.
The woman comes out from behind the counter, were both teared up. We hug each other tight.
His graduation would of been this week. I decided to take the day off. I stand with her in her pain holding space.
“Your a beautiful person”, I say. “So are you” she says.
I came home tonight pulled out my book and told myself come hell or high water I will finish this mother.
Distance and time away are so helpful. Moments like this when you know that your purpose is so much greater than you know. The world is connected in more ways than we know. Sometimes you find it in the most unexpected places. Buying hair gel for you boys.
#gunviolence #writing #stories #lifeafterloss #resilience #trauma #ptsd #healing #journaling #loving
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